essea | [ ELVES CATCHALL POST. ]

[ Silence follows that last statement. They're words he's spoken many times to himself, made manifest: you don't deserve him.

He agrees. ] I've never deserved you. [ A fact. Iorveth has never had anything to offer Astarion beyond this stupid, unhinged depth of feeling, and even this, Astarion could probably get from someone less insane.

Iorveth knows. No two ways around it. ]

But, I say again: if you want me to aid you in finding the cloak, you need only say so. I will― I'd intended it from the start.

And if, when you find your freedom, you wish to go your own way, then I'll not ask you to stay again.

[ Oh, now that pisses him off. Incensed, his neck flushes red, and he squeezes his hands into fists. ]

Gods, you're so—

[ He kicks Gale's very nice wall, which hurts— ] Fuck. [ Which infuriates him more. He was trying to be mature about this at one point, but he's already completely forgotten that. Toes throbbing, he turns back to Iorveth, throwing his hands up. ]

You're supposed to beg me to stay.

[ Babe, you're not really acting like my idealized version of you. ]

[ Oh. Well. Maturity has left the chat, then. Iorveth blinks, then huffs a laugh that's distinctly unkind, this time around. ]

Is that right. So you think me a pathetic mother hen to a doomed pack of tree-huggers: a foolish terrorist whose only virtue is groveling at your feet for your affection.

[ That voice telling himself to be patient is awfully quiet. Truly, where is Gale and his terrible timing, because now would've been a great time to come upstairs to tell Iorveth that breakfast will be served in thirty minutes. Instead, the tower is quiet save for the sound of two prickly elves fighting, which is a sorry state for it to be in. ]

I asked you what you wanted, because I wanted you to tell me that you wanted me. I would do anything for you, if you ask. [ Clipped but truthful, swallowing his pride for this particularly embarrassing confession. ] But you'd rather I beg and plead for your permission to stay.

[ Astarion blinks, taken aback. He's so used to Iorveth's affection now that it feels foreign and strange and deeply unpleasant to earn his ire. He sputters a little, at an uncharacteristic loss for words. I didn't say that is on the tip of his tongue, but he very much did say it, even though it sounds quite a bit worse when Iorveth repeats it.

He has no choice but to embrace what he's said, so he crosses his arms again, scowling. ]

Oh, I know. I'm so very awful.

[ Well, he is. Iorveth should have known as much. He's horrible and selfish, and he wants to be something Iorveth cares to lose rather than something he can just dispassionately cut loose. ]

After all, I certainly haven't made any sacrifices. I had so much fun leaving civilization and trudging, starving, through the woods until I got tied up in some awful man's dirty basement.

[ Ah. As much as Iorveth has told himself to be calm and understanding, that last bit elicits the kind of involuntary flinch that he'll look back on later and be embarrassed by; the sort of little twitch that says you've hurt me.

Because it does. Hurt, he means. It hurts because Iorveth loves Astarion so completely, and he would forgive him in a second if Astarion said that he wanted him. Everything else is just noise, something he can work around. But, again, Iorveth loves Astarion, and the thought that he was wearing himself thin the past tenday, that he hated what Iorveth put him through, makes Iorveth feel tight-chested.

He swings his legs off of the bed, and gets up. ]

Astarion. I love you.

[ Simply. An immovable, unshakeable truth. Iorveth's expression pulls into a frown, then relaxes, tired and open. ]

But if you're suffering me, say so.

[ Oh. He'd thought it would feel good to hurt Iorveth. He feels hurt, and the best way to deal with that, historically, has been to take it out on someone else, but there's no relief from it. It feels bad, actually, so bad that he finds himself wishing he could combust where he stands. In a millisecond, his shoulders lower and he uncrosses his arms in an aborted attempt to reach out and comfort Iorveth. ]

And you accuse me of not seeing things clearly! [ he says, voice still clipped but full of significantly less venom. He still has argument left in him, particularly regarding the fact that it feels as if Iorveth is continually trying to get rid of him, but he can't relish Iorveth's pain. ]

I tolerated all of those things because it meant that I was with you.

[ Said as if Iorveth is the dumbest elf in the world. Has nearly any of this tenday been pleasant? No. It's been terrible, but he didn't care, because he had Iorveth at his side.

A rephrase, then, lest Iorveth be convinced to take him the wrong way: ] It was all tolerable because of you, you absolute numbskull.

[ An awkward cycle: "why are you trying to get rid of me" and "I don't want to force you to stay if it makes you unhappy". Iorveth frowns again, displeased to think of Astarion tolerating their days together (again: he deserves better), but understanding, mostly, that this is a significant concession on Astarion's part.

So, instead of his intended trajectory out, he moves towards Astarion. A step, two, until he's within arm's length. ]

―Tell me you want me to be by your side, then. That you want me to go with you, wherever you need to be.

[ Solemnly, because this is all Iorveth really needs: his most important person to tell him to stay. Pathetic and humiliating, perhaps, but he doesn't really care.

And, well. Since nothing is above him, and it seems unfair to demand without giving in return: ] ...I beg you, Astarion.

[ Part of Astarion wants to get indignant again. He doesn't want to have to ask; he wants to be important enough to Iorveth that staying together is a foregone conclusion, that it's obvious Iorveth would never choose his crusade over him. Again: selfish. He really is awful.

But Iorveth looks open and vulnerable and exhausted, and Astarion finds that he doesn't have it in him to drain him further. The truth of the matter is that, despite everything, he loves Iorveth (perhaps too much) and wants to see him happy. Iorveth had said he'd do anything for Astarion if he only asked. He supposes he should reciprocate, no matter how uncomfortable it is to open himself up like this.

For a moment, silence stretches out as he musters up the courage. Then, sounding more childishly demanding than he intends: ]

I don't want you to go north. I want you to stay with me.

[ It's probably unfair of Iorveth to demand that they do this on his terms. A lot of hangups happening with this guy: aware that, historically, things haven't gone terribly well with the people he's decided to attach his name to, leading him to say "never again" until he does it all over again.

So maybe it's the only sliver of insecurity that Iorveth possesses that makes him demand that Astarion tell him to stay. If he can believe that he's needed, then he can do whatever it takes to do just that. Stay.

It's a big ask, so it wouldn't have mattered even if Astarion had delivered his verdict by stamping his feet and punching Iorveth in the face; it settles like water in dry cracks, and Iorveth moves forward to take one of Astarion's hands in his own. (Ready to let go if that point of contact is too much.) ]

Then you'll have me.

[ Relieved, almost. Funny, how Iorveth is a perpetually-boiling rage furnace that also derives absolutely no joy from being mad at Astarion, specifically. ]

[ Astarion still feels a little prickly at having been made to ask in such a way, but just as he couldn't deny Iorveth his words, he can't deny him his affection. He allows Iorveth to take a pale, spindly hand in his, although he gently rearranges their fingers so that Iorveth doesn't have to touch any enchanted-chest bite marks. It is a relief, of course, to be told that Iorveth will stay with him, but there's still a deep ache in his chest, unpleasant and shameful. He feels ashamed not only of what he said--although he does--but of what was said about him. Gods, Iorveth made him sound like Cazador, a monster who only cares for subjugating others.

Hesitantly, he ventures, ] Do you truly think that of me?

[ 'Tell me you don't,' he wishes he could demand, but that would be in direct opposition to what he hopes to accomplish. ]

That I believe your only virtue is in groveling?

[ Iorveth smooths his thumb over the back of Astarion's hand, gently tracing the rise and fall of his knuckles. There seem to be a lot of things that are still left unresolved and need unpacking, but at least there's some assurance that they'll have time together to address it. A bit at a time, maybe.

He pauses, when Astarion asks him the question. It was unkind, obviously; he rarely feels guilt over the things he says, given that he usually says exactly what he means, but what he said before was, admittedly, a jab just for the sake of jabbing.

His grip tightens momentarily, before loosening in increments. ]

I doubt you would keep me by your side if what I said was true.

[ Iorveth would like to think that Astarion thinks more of him than just being a yes-man, mostly because he thinks he's not terribly great at being one. (Case in point.) ]

You could find prettier, kinder men to beg for you. But you're here with me.

[ Stepping just a half-step closer, almost closer enough to lean in and touch foreheads. ] ...Forgive me. I spoke carelessly again.

[ The words should be reassuring, but they aren't. Astarion says things only to hurt, but Iorveth so rarely says anything that isn't honest. He fights a scowl, if only because he doesn't want Iorveth to think he's angry at him for saying what he did, although the memory disgusts him enough to make him wrinkle his nose. ]

But you wouldn't have thought to say it if there weren't some truth to it, [ he says, eyebrows raised. That must have come from somewhere, and it makes him feel ill to think that somewhere deep down Iorveth feels as if he's being used, or that Astarion thinks so little of him.

An unnecessary breath in and out, discomfort written plainly on his face before he says, in a small voice, ] I only wanted to feel important enough to you that I didn't have to ask.

[ Humiliating, childish, selfish. ]

[ Oh. There's the friction: Iorveth has always wanted someone to ask, and Astarion has always been on the side of asking. Opposite poles on a magnet. No wonder, Iorveth thinks, but the realization also guts him; gods, he must have hurt Astarion terribly. Love is a vicious, terrible thing sometimes.

Letting go of Astarion's hand, he reaches up to cup Astarion's face with two palms, thumbs smoothing at his temples. ]

It was selfish frustration on my part. It... [ A low breath. ] ...It rankled, to hear that you'd rather I beg instead of keep your best interests at heart.

But your interests aren't mine to decide. [ Even if things like "making Astarion stay in Waterdeep" might be safer for Astarion in the long run, it ignores what Astarion wants; he sees that a bit more clearly, now. ] And it's shameful that I made you feel unimportant.

[ Stroking under one red eye this time, tracing the perfect line of a well-defined cheekbone. Astarion is still shaped like something Iorveth loves unhealthily. ]

[ Astarion should take responsibility for his own feelings. Iorveth didn't make him feel unimportant, he made himself feel unimportant. But he doesn't have the emotional maturity to acknowledge that, and so instead he shrugs, a sort of nonverbal 'it's all right'. ]

I know it might be a bit shocking to hear, considering how impossibly wonderful and lovable I am—

[ Iorveth may be the only one who would ever agree with that statement. ]

But I suppose I'm a bit... [ He shifts uncomfortably, as if it's viscerally unpleasant to admit this. ] Jealous of those Aen Seidhe of yours.

[ Iorveth is everything to him, but the Aen Seidhe are everything to Iorveth. It's hard not to be jealous. ]

[ "Wonderful and lovable". Iorveth huffs a quiet laugh at the descriptors (he's not going to argue it), and leans in, finally, to bump foreheads. ]

I grew with them, and I broke with them. I shared everything with them, good and ill, until now.

[ He isn't just a part of the Aen Seidhe: he is Aen Seidhe. A concept that Astarion probably doesn't quite grasp, and one that, of everyone in their ragtag group, Lae'zel probably related to the most. (Probably the reason why she didn't kill Iorveth on sight.) ]

...The north is stabilizing. My people have a dragon watching over them, now. [ Saskia, the one he gave Henselt's head to. Saskia, who Iorveth hopes will finally bring some sort of peace to elves who have been fighting tooth and nail for it for well over a century. ] They've tired of me and my intensity, I suspect.

[ It hurts. But what doesn't? Iorveth strokes Astarion's cheek again, and settles. ]

So now, you get the brunt of it. [ A wry laugh. ] This is where most people would run screaming, you're aware.

[ At the end of the day, Astarion is weak for Iorveth. Having him near provokes an unconscious reaction, and he brushes their noses together without even thinking to. His body can't stand being close to anyone, but it wants to be close to Iorveth. Special, Astarion had called him; such a common word hardly seems to hold enough weight for what Iorveth is to him. He's a key, one that unlocked so many feelings and experiences that he thought were forever forbidden to him.

Despite Iorveth's gravitational pull tugging him closer, that last comment makes him pull away, if only by an inch. He can't properly think if his mind is filled with thoughts of closing any distance left between their mouths. ]

If I didn't know any better, I'd think you want me to run screaming.

[ It's a constant push-pull with him. Iorveth wants to be asked to stay, yet he seems determined to tell Astarion to go. ]

[ Astarion pulls away, and Iorveth tries to chase him. Instinctive on his part, as well; he didn't love being angry at someone he's come to value more than himself. ]

It's a warning, you fool. [ "You fool" drips affection. ] From here on out, you'll wish I knew the meaning of moderation.

[ Astarion can't possibly expect Iorveth to let that admission of jealousy slide, especially not after they'd spent the whole night stabbing each other with words. He traces Astarion's jaw and brushes noses again, mindful of pushback but indulging in the much-coveted closeness anyway. ]

The Woodland Fox will always watch over the Aen Seidhe, but "Iorveth" is yours. [ A hum, tired but warm. ] Yours alone.

[ Ugh, he can't help it — he has no willpower. Astarion's arms wind around Iorveth's middle, pulling him in until their bodies are flush and he can feel Iorveth's body heat. Much better. It had been cold being the object of Iorveth's displeasure. Iorveth has many virtues besides groveling for Astarion's affection, but he can't deny that it feels good to have Iorveth's warmth shine on him. ]

As I'm yours, [ he admits before touching his lips to Iorveth's, light and sweet.

It's a sentiment typically followed by some sort of caveat ('for tonight', usually, when used on a victim that he didn't expect to see tomorrow), but not now. Belonging to Cazador had made him averse to belonging to anyone at all in any way, and it does still feel a bit terrifying, but there's no point in denying what is irrevocably true. Astarion made him bleed, but it's Iorveth who really holds a knife to his neck. ]

[ Gods, if Iorveth was insane before this blowup, he's really beyond saving now. No part of him wants to own Astarion, but the thought of their fates intertwining like this is equal parts worrying and thrilling, the kind of ill-advised attachment that Iorveth will not give up now, ever.

He strokes Astarion's cheek again, slow and reverent, relishing that brief touch of lips against lips without pressing further, a little dizzy after the violent swing in mood. There are still questions on his mind, small thorns that may need plucking in the future ("you said you're awful, you aren't")― later. He wants to remember all of this first: that sweet touch, the terrifying confession. ]

Come to bed with me, [ he murmurs, sifting fingers through Astarion's hair. ] ...I'd intended to go out during the day, but I've changed my mind.

[ Now he just wants to stay and hold Astarion for a long while, and maybe brush his hair after they nap, and feel bad about making him feel bad. Like trying to pet a cat after one's stepped on its tail: "I'm sorry, I won't do that again."

One last soft touch, tracing the point of Astarion's ear, and Iorveth steps back. ]

[ The person who makes him the angriest is also the person he most wants to be with when the fight is over, so he doesn't resist, although perhaps he should. It would be selfless to tell Iorveth that he'll be all right, that he should go out in the sun while he can, but as has been established time and time again, Astarion is not selfless.

He settles on the bed, body sinking slightly into the soft mattress, and tugs Iorveth toward him, atop him. A rare thing; he usually hates the feeling of being trapped underneath somebody, but not now. Not only is it a concession he feels is necessary to make, but he wants to feel Iorveth's weight on him, to know that he isn't going anywhere. ]

You must know, my dear, your virtues are near endless.

[ Still caught on that. He can't bear the thought that Iorveth ever feels as if his virtues aren't seen. ]

[ Pulled onto the bed, Iorveth waits for their positions to flip―

―and feels heartsick when it doesn't, when Astarion allows him to stay where he is, weight bearing down on Astarion's chest, pinning him without compromise onto the mattress. Iorveth is aware of the thorny shield that Cazador has forced Astarion to make around the concept of intimacy, how another warm body was made to be something to grit one's teeth and bear instead of enjoy; to be permitted something that Iorveth knows Astarion finds invasive is...

...well, it's huge. He almost misses the verbal addendum entirely, but it, too, is as sweet as the gesture, and it makes him heartsick all over again as he rolls onto his semi-side (as grateful as he is for the trust, having an oversized man fully crushing you is never comfortable) and gathers Astarion to his chest, curling around him with protective limbs and posture. ]

Only you would think so, [ he finally replies. ] But I only wish you to think so of me.

[ Like. What virtues. But also, if Astarion sees them, that's all he needs.

He presses kisses to Astarion's hair, his temple, his cheek. ]

My beloved. ...Not a single thing about you is "awful". [ If they're going to talk about things they're caught on. ]

[ Proof of Iorveth's many virtues: that he's still able to shower Astarion in affection after he treated him so, well, awfully. Astarion objectively doesn't deserve it, but unlike Iorveth, he has no intention of warning him off. He'd rather bask in the undeserved attention, pressing a kiss to the strong bridge of Iorveth's nose. ]

I know. I'm wonderful.

[ It's a brush-off, because he is awful in so many ways, but he doesn't want to argue that Iorveth should think badly of him. (Another awful quality of his. He'd rather Iorveth see him through rose-colored glasses than see him as he truly is.)

A change in subject, lest Iorveth think too long on it and decide that he is awful, actually: ] What were you planning to leave the tower for?

[ Petting Astarion like an oversized cat, with fingers tangled in soft curls tickling the back of Astarion's neck. Iorveth likes this feeling, of not knowing where he ends and where Astarion begins.

The question of what he was planning to do, though. A brief pause, here, anticipating a not-great reaction to the answer, but he answers truthfully. ]

I'd planned to do some research on Athkatla. [ All that song and dance, and he really had planned on going with Astarion from the start. Yes, he could have just said so. No, he didn't. The rudest elf in Toril. ] Find a map, at least.

[ Chronically unable not to plan. Even now, he's spinning webs. ]

I'd also wanted to see if I could find someone to relay a message to Saskia. She'd told me not to hurry back, but she should be expecting me anyway. [ Again: resident unhinged elf was going to lay the groundwork for sticking to his vampire like glue. He really could have said so from the start. ]

Darling.

[ It's difficult to muster up indignance when he's cozy, surrounded by Iorveth's warmth, and being petted gently. He does try, but his expression ends up more of a juvenile pout, annoyed that Iorveth would put him through all of that when he'd intended to come along from the start. He could have just said something before Astarion decided to use his words as daggers! It would have saved him so much brooding time. ]

What if I had never asked?

[ He hadn't been planning on it. He'd been so offended by the suggestion that Iorveth might not come along by default that he'd made himself determined to allow Iorveth to leave for the sake of his pride, no matter how unpleasant the thought.

Obviously, he'd been a little irrational. ]

[ It really was ninety percent Iorveth's fault, for not telling Astarion outright and also for phrasing the hypothetical as "what if I didn't go" instead of literally anything else. But Iorveth is also, if nothing else, a drama king, and that's a dangerous thing to be when one's favorite person is a theater kid.

Case in point. ] If we hadn't quarreled? [ An understatement about a slapfight that was almost a breakup, but. You know. ] I would have chosen to go with you regardless.

[ Plainly. Again, he realizes that this is probably not the best thing to hear after they'd spent the last twelve hours trying to bite each other's head off, but he makes no move to do anything other than tangling his legs with Astarion's and massaging his scalp with the pads of his fingers. ]

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